Lie To Me

Anthony Stewart Head passed away the other day.

Giles is dead.

I cried.

Sunnydale High Library, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

My boyfriend once bought me a shirt that read “I over-identify with fictional characters”. The shirt was not wrong. I’ve cried much more for characters in books and movies than I ever have for myself.

Growing up, displays of emotion were never particularly welcomed or encouraged. I was given to believe they were a sign of weakness. I don’t know that anyone actually ever told me that, it was more just something I understood to be true.

Books and TV and movies and music became the places I could let myself feel.

My parents are getting older. The simple truth is that they are no longer who they were, and they never will be again. And sometimes I have a hard time with that. Sometimes I put off calling for too long, because I can’t get myself to pretend that everything is normal and fine, to put the smile on my face so that it travels into my voice, to be extra upbeat, extra loud, talk extra fast so that none of us pause long enough to notice how abnormal it all really is.

So sometimes I take too long to call.

My mom has dementia. She shows a lot more emotion than she ever used to.

The other day I called and she was sad enough that she couldn’t hide it. Though it wasn’t for lack of trying. I tried to get her to let it out, knowing that in an hour she’d probably forget what she was sad about. I tried to get her to laugh, because even if she forgets the cause, she retains the emotion, and I’d rather her feel light than heavy.

The next day I found out Giles was gone.

And I cried the tears I couldn’t cry for my mom. Because even though I’m finally trying to unlearn that emotions are weakness, I can’t let my mom think that she made me cry.

So I cried for Giles. And I cried for my mom. For the memories we have, and the new ones we can’t make. For things lost that may never be found. For echoes of people, alive and dead.

I like to think Anthony Stewart Head is in the library now, “where the Giles’ live.” I like to think that’s where my mom will go when she’s not here.

“...it’s all terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everyone lives happily ever after.”

- Rupert Giles, “Lie To Me.” Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2, Episode 7